When You Gotta Go ...

Do you remember what you were thinking when the ball dropped last night? “Who am I going to kiss?” “Which party should I go to next?” “How much more champagne can I possibly consume without passing out?” “Where, exactly, are my children?” Before midnight, I spent some time trying to plan how I would become a better person this year. Unfortunately, this reflective moment was interrupted by the sounds of my stomach trying to digest the overpriced, overindulgent PreFix dinner I had just enjoyed with my wife. I accepted some cabernet from my father-in-law, but my assumption that more wine would help settle my stomach proved to be overly optimistic. After glancing up at the TV, I put my thoughts on pause, grabbed a bottle of champagne from the refrigerator and began unscrewing the cage.

Happy New Year!

Working on my third glass of champagne, my thoughts shifted to how I was going to get back to the person I was an hour ago. With that many bubbles on board, the lyrics to “Auld Lang Syne” actually started making sense to me. Sitting on the couch of my in-law’s apartment, I began making resolutions uncontrollably as the emotions of hope, fear, love, joy and regret all blended up inside my head like a huge cerebral smoothie. At that very moment, a neighbor of my in-laws sat down next to me. She was in her 50’s, tan-skinned, holding a half-filled glass of champagne as she proceeded to tell me a story about, well, when you gotta go ...

“I was walking around Times Square this afternoon before the barricades went up. I hadn’t been there in probably 30 years. But I was so cold that I had to go to the bathroom. So I went into a local bar to warm up and use the bathroom. I usually don’t drink more than wine, but while I was there, I sat at the bar and asked the bartender to give me the strongest drink he had. He poured me a shot of whiskey, and after two more of those, I headed back outside. As I was looking up at the big tree, I suddenly realized that I had to go even worse than before! I crossed my legs and concentrated as hard as I could until the feeling passed. I managed to make it to 5th Avenue where I found myself in front of Saks Fifth Avenue, so I went inside. Luckily for me, there was a bathroom right by the entrance, so I used it. But while I was there, I felt bad for using their bathroom, so I decided to do some shopping. I found a nice, fur wrap which I bought before heading home. I only made it half way home before the urge to go came back again. I looked around for a bathroom, but the only place I saw was a pizza shop. They were nice enough to let me use their bathroom. I wasn’t really hungry, but when I came out I ordered a pizza. I brought the pizza home, opened up a bottle of champagne and here I am.”

She smiled, sat back and took a sip from her champagne as the story still rang in my head. I looked down at my champagne glass and realized that I had to answer the call of my own bladder. I thanked her and excused myself. On the way to the bathroom, I thought about how nice it was to leave my world for a while and spend a few moments in someone else’s. She came to me at the perfect moment, just when I was becoming lost in my own head. I decided that I would focus on two resolutions this year: The first is to pay more attention to the feelings of others around me, and the second is to always bring an empty bottle with me on long trips in the cold weather.